Merry Christmas one and all.

Well hello again you wonderful people. 

May I start by wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope that it has been full of love and laughter. I know that Christmas can be a very painful time for people and until last year i hated it, with a capital H, I don't know what changed me, maybe it was having two kids, maybe i just got to the point where hating it was more a habit rather than what i really felt, so i gave myself a talking to and gave my head a good wobble and started to see the fun in Christmas and started to let myself enjoy it and now i quite like this time of year. 

I should be able to do more blog posts this year as i must have been a very very good girl this year as Santa has given me a brand new Laptop. I do feel very blessed, my old laptop went to laptop heaven a while a go and i did use a tablet for a while but i cant type on them for love nor money, so getting this new laptop is a dream come true for me, Thank you Santa Aka Rob. 

Ok Question.....Mini me and wrecking ball still believe in Santa. I love the fact that it really does put the magic in to Christmas for them but i hate to lie to them, we have always been very honest with our two. don't get me wrong i am not going to tell them that the fat man is not real as that would just be mean, but i do try not to go on about it all the time and i have tried so hard not to say "if you are a naughty girl/boy Santa wont bring you and presents" so my question to you all is this. When is the right time for a child to stop believing in Santa and how do i respond to my two when they say we lied to them and they know that you should always tell the truth, 

Love and Light. 

May Angels Watch Over You Always. 

I'm back.....again

Hello my lovelies,

Well where do I starts......I am blessed to say I am now a mom of two. Mini me is now 5 years old, yes I did say 5. Where has that time gone. She is a beautiful, intelligent, funny and bossy little Madden and my wrecking ball (that is one of his many nicknames) is 20 months old. He is such a happy little boy. His smile can and does brighten up the hardest day. I now feel totally complete. I have two beautiful children, a hubby who I love so much and a dog who is more human than most people I know.

Life has had many ups and downs in the last 20 month and I sad to admit there have been a lot of downs, far more than I have admitted to anyone, but I am getting there slowly. I have stopped my anti depressants as the side affects where horrible and I think my body and mind had just had enough of them and I feel more like me again. I can laugh and smile again and it's not an act. I can cry and it feel good. I feel like patting myself on the back and saying "welcome back Zoe I have missed you so much"

Why, you may ask, am I down/depressed?

I am still hurting from the loss of my mom. We are now 4 years down the line and I am only just letting myself accept what has happened and how I feel about it. I am taking baby steps to understand and deal with it. I will get there, even though I am not sure where there is.

Wrecking balls birth is another thing that haunts me. He was born so fast that he didn't breath straight away and we had a 2 minuet nightmare where we didn't know if he would survive. I know two minuet does not seem like a long time, but I can assure you it feels like forever. He was OK and took a big breath and cried and we new our baby was OK but I blame myself for him not breathing. I honestly don't know why. But I do. If I think about it logically, i know it's not my fault, but in the middle of the night when I can't sleep it all come flooding back. This is something I have to get my head round as I want to remember his birth as a beautiful and magical thing.

Well that is a very quick over view of me and my life. There are hundreds more things I could say, but I am getting very sleepy now. Its 5.53am and I have been awake since 1am with restless legs and a mind that wont stop chattering. So good night sweet dreams to you all.