Fibromyalgia

Hello Beautiful people, 

There are so many things I could say about this illness. I will put the scientific explanation.it in at the end, but for now I want to write this from my heart and tell you what its really like.

Well lets start by saying its not life threatening, but sometimes its feels like a life sentence, I hurt day in day out, not a day goes by when I am not in some form of pain. I wake up every morning hoping that today might be the day with no pain. This hasn't happened yet, but I still hope. The moment I open my eye its like "oh great, here we go again" its takes me a long time to get up in a morning as I have to will my body to move as I cant just lie in bed, I have a family that needs me.

This is a diagram of all the main trigger point of pain 

for someone with Fibro

Then there is the tiredness, what I actually mean is complete and utter exhaustion. I have little to no energy most the time. I have to save up energy if I want to do anything fun or different to my normal daily routine. Its hard to save energy when you have a very energetic Wreaking ball and Mini me to look after and a house to run. So I run on empty most the time.

My senses are also very broken, the way I normally describe it is, your mind is like a sieve, you have tiny wholes that let information through bit by bit, my sieve has massive wholes punched in it. So information comes at me all at once without being sorted. If none fibro person banged there leg, they would think "that hurt" but within 10 to 15 minuets the pain would have gone. With fibro I can still feel that pain hours or days after. 

I also don't like, cant deal with, bright lights, loud noises or strong smells, There is a shop called Lush and it sells the most beautiful soaps and things that smell good. This shop is a Fibro attack waiting to happen, its odd how the contents of a shop can make you ill, it literally floors me.      

Depression - its a big scary thing and yes I have it and yes with every fibre of my body I hide it. Most people don't know I have Fibro let alone depression. I am not embarrassed by it. I just don't want it to take over my life. 

Why do I have it? well to start with, I am fed up with fighting the pain, I have tried to accept it and make it part of my life but for me that makes it worse, so I fight. 

Secondly I want a normal amount of energy and it makes me angry that at 33 years old I don't have any and all I want and need to do is sleep. It makes me feel very down not being able to do things with my family. Hubby and I took the kids to a local park and we all had a right good play. but through the whole thing there was a little voice saying "you are going to pay for this, you didn't make up any extra energy, later you are going to be very ill" and I was, it taints the time at the park for me. but I wanted to play and laugh with my kids, is that to much to ask.

I feel depressed because I want to have a "normal" life and hug people with out it hurting me or let my kids climb all over me with out having to plaster a fake smile on my face as it hurts so much. I want to hear my kids laughing and being loud and silly without first thinking "omg please stop, its to loud" I don't want to spend my day thinking "if I do this with Wreaking ball will I have enough energy to do that with Mini me and Hubby later.  

Fibro fog - this is when my brain get totally over loads with to much information or or to much pain all at once. My brains seem to fog up to the point where I get my words mixed up and cant remember what I am doing or sometimes how to do things. I love to knit, as it relaxes me, but when I am having a bad patch and the fog has come down, I struggle to remember how to do it, that drives me mad and makes me very upset as all I want to do it relax and I cant. 

I have found this post very hard to write as I try so hard not to talk about it, if people ask "How are you?" my answer will always be "I'm fine" or "plodding on" I am sorry if this post seems very woe is me, but I wanted to write it from my heart. I am also very aware that there are people who are far worse of than me and in an odd way I am blessed to ONLY have fibro. 

Now to the science bit or how doctors describe Fibromyalgia  

Fibromyalgia, also called fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS), is a long-term condition that causes pain all over the body.

As well as widespread pain, people with fibromyalgia may also have:

• increased sensitivity to pain

• fatigue (extreme tiredness)

• muscle stiffness

• difficulty sleeping

• problems with mental processes (known as "fibro-fog") – such as problems with memory and concentration

• headaches

• irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) – a digestive condition that causes stomach pain and bloating.

May angels watch over you always. x 

Being a spiritual medium

This is a gift I have had since I was a little girl, but I could never fully control it, it felt like it controlled me at times as I didn't have the knowledge of how to turn it on and off.  

Not long after we lost Mom I felt I needed something to get my teeth into, I started to go to a Spiritual development class. The class was amazing and I met some awesome people. I felt happy and at home right from the very start and step by step I build my confidence and dedication to spirit. I got to know my spirit guides, this is not necessary, but I feel very blessed to know them. They have become a big part of my life. I never feel alone and I feel like I always have someone to bounce a question off. I know to you non spiritual folk that must sound absolutely barking mad and if I am very honest sometimes I think its a little crazy to. 

I work very close with spirit, Its sometimes called "having a direct link to them" which means a lot of the time after giving a reading I don't remember a lot of what was said.  It's like it bypasses my memory, which is good for when I do a lot of reading one after another.

I feel blessed to share this special time with people and for them to feel safe enough to share there emotion with me. People will either burst into tears, look shocked or sit there totally amazed at what is being said. I always make sure to have a pack of tissues in my bag just in case they are needed. 

As a medium I have to be extremely careful how I say things to people. I don't predict, as this can really mess with people lives and they make there own future, I can only get glimpse of there past through spirit.

One of my big rules is never open myself up to spirit in a crowded place as the room can, quite literally, quadrupled with people (spirits) It feels like I am being suffocated. There are times when I have done this like when working in church. I then have to make sure all my protection is in place and ask spirit to talk to me one at a time. This works most the time, but you still do get the odd bossy person who just wants to have there say. If you are bossy in life you will be bossy in the spirit world. God help me when I am in the spirit world as I will never let anyone get as word in, I do love to talk lol

May angels watch over you always. x 

Being a full time Mommy.

Hello Beautiful people, 

This is something I have been meaning to blog about for a while, but didn't know how to put it all in to words. I am just going to start typing and see what falls out my head on to the page. 

As you all know I am a mother of two wonderful monsters, Mini me is 5 going on 17 and Wrecking ball is 2 in February, they are as different as chalk and cheese, 

Lets go back to the start of this motherhood journey, I had a good job, I was a PA for a Managing Director of a local high end wallpaper company. I loved the job and had made some very good friends with in the company. We started trying for a baby and with in two months our wish has been granted, much to both of our surprise as we thought it would take months and months and months, this little baby was determined from the very start. I was so excited to be pregnant. We found out that we were having a little girl, much to my surprise, as I was convinced it was a boy. Once I got my head around the fact we were having a girl, I was so excited. Bring on the pink. Then I had to start thinking about weather I wanted to go back to work when baby was born, this was such a hard choice to make. I loved my job but also new that I wanted to spend as much time as possible with the new baby. Hubby and I sat down and had a massive chat about the pros and cons of staying at home and also the pros and cons of putting baby in nursery. In my heart I new I didn't want to put her in nursery, as I didn't want to miss a second of her life. Yes I am one of those mother. Over protective and proud of it. 

Now let me just state that this is my point of view. I am not pointing the finger at anyone who has placed there child in nursery because it could have been very different for me if it wasn't for the fact that Hubby has a decent job, on saying that we are in no way rolling in it, just extremely careful with how we spend our money. I cant remember the last time we had a holiday but that is what we sacrificed for me to be able to stay of with the kids. 

So my heart made the choice for me, I became a Mommy on the 1st of May 2009 and it was one of the best days of my life, ok it was scary, painful and super fast but still amazing. My Mom and Hubby shared Mini me's birth with me. I was blessed to have them there. maybe one day I will write a blog about both there birth story's. 

The first 8 weeks of mini me's life was a roller coaster of emotion. I felt like I had not clue what I was doing. I felt like I was bouncing from one panic moment to another. (if I'm honest I still feel like that now at times. lol)  then it started to get easier and with a lot of help and support from friend, family and my wonderful health visitor Sharon, I felt like I could do this and I have, Mini me and I have shared so many perfect moment, first time sitting up, first steps, first words and a million other first that I am so proud of her for. She has always been a clever girl and you only has to show her something once and she got it. I have always been amazed by her. 

It has not always been all flowers and Roses, it is hard to be with one child day in day out, especially in the winter months, as I don't drive and have to walk everywhere I go, it is also hard when they are have days where you cant do right for doing wrong and you have a very grumpy little person letting you know how cross they are with you. I know in my heart I have given both my kids my all and have tried to given them as much fun and giggles as possible. 

Nursery DOM DOM DOOOOOMMMM School nursery i mean  - now with anyone who new me at this point in my life will know that I didn't want Mini me to go to nursery as I loved being with her so much, over protective Mommy again, lol but I knew in my heart that it was the right thing for her and that she would love it and get so much out of it, from the first day she loved it and now she is in year 1 and loved school so much. I am blessed that she has some good friends who mean the world to her. 

The Hubby decided that it would be a good time to think about having another baby, this made me head spin for a while as I was quite used to it just being the three of us and didn't know weather I wanted to rock the boast, but I gave it a lot of thought and decided that yes it would be wonderful to have another monster in our family. 

We court again after two month of trying, this was another shocker to me as I thought second child will take longer and I will have loads of time to get my head in the right place. where as with Mini me I was convinced she was a boy with this one I was convinced I was having another girl. nope, I got it wrong again. lol my second pregnancy was not as fun as the first because I still had all my normals jobs to do and also had to look after Mini me in the afternoon when she had finished nursery. 

Please excuse how crap I looked. 

This was the day before Wrecking ball arrived and I was so tired and everything hurt. 

I was massive with this pregnancy, I always say "like I was like a ship in sale". he never seemed to be in a comfy position and when he kicked it hurt like hell, we now know this was because he was such a big baby and there was not much room in there. through the whole pregnancy I had a very bad back and pelvis and for the last 5 months I would only get between two and three hours sleep a night. I could moan on about that pregnancy but when all said and done I was lucky to be pregnant and bless with the baby I got in the end. 

Wrecking balls birth was even faster that Mini me's, but this time it was only Hubby in the room with me, My Mom was no longer with us at this point, even though we could both feel her with us in spirit, as I have said in one of my other post, wrecking ball had a traumatic birth and the little monster decided that he was not going to breath straight away, but after some help from the nurses he took a massive breath and thank whoever was watching over us that day he is fine now. 

I then had two kids to look after, one at nursery 5 morning a week and one who is with me all day every day. my life was complete. completely happy, completely mental and completely exhausting. but complete. 

I think what I am trying to say here is, its a bloody hard job being a full time Mom but very very worth it. I do miss having a job but there is time for that in the future. 

May angels watch over you always. x 

Gong Bath

Hello beautiful people,

I had the most wonderful experience on Friday night. I went to a Gong bath. This was my first time and I have to say I loved it.  

OK, I can here you asking, What is a Gong bath? It is basically a self meditation to the sound of people playing gongs. 

These are the beautiful gongs

This is how they were set up for our evening

The evening was at The Sanctuary Of Healing in Langho, Blackburn and if any of you have ever been to The Sanctuary then you will know it is a very spiritual and uplifting place to start with. Then add some beautiful gong music and you know you are in for an adventure. 

We all lay down on the floor, all snuggled up in blankets, then they turned the lights down and told us to relax and close our eyes, this was the time to either drift into a meditation or be with your own thoughts and let the music flow with you. You can not only hear the music but you can feel it vibrating all around you. You are literally bathing in music. The music was so powerful and a little eerie at time, but oh my goodness it blew me away. 

My adventure - I was floating upright in the air with a bright white light connecting me to spirit. The light flowed down through the top of my head and then roots growing up into my feet connecting me to mother earth. The energy of both past through my body and met in my heart space and then exploded out my heart to create another world in front of me, behind me I could see my sprite animals. I have a wolf. an eagle. a monkey and a momma bear (the bear is me) another image of me, but this time I have had my skin removed from my body so you can see all the muscles, then another image of me with my muscles removed and so on until I was just one tiny cell left (none of this hurt or scared me) it was just amazing to see myself split down into all the pieces that make up a human, then all of a sudden it all pulled back together and I was whole again. 

After this I had some scary pictures come into my head, that did upset me, as it was not what I had expected to see. I think it was my brains way to sort out the hurt I feel about certain situation from my past. It was all part of the evening so I just went with the flow and though I am safe and with people who will protect me if I need it, so I let it happen.

When the gong bath was over we all went into the beautiful cafe area and had 'grounding' biscuits and tea. 

It was such a magical evening for so many reasons.  I felt reborn after the bath, I also got to see some of my tribe who I care for so much and just felt safe and happy. I am truly bless to be able to do these things. Thank you to the universe for giving me this life.

May angels watch over you always.  

A moment in time that was both painful but wonderful.

Hello beautiful people.

This morning Mini me found a book that my Mom had given me a long time ago called "Forever My Daughter" it is a beautiful book, full of things that a mother would like to say to her daughter. Mom wrote a note to me in the front of the book, saying that maybe I could read the book to my daughter one day. What I am sure she would never of expected was my daughter (age 5) would read it to me perfectly. I am so proud of Mini me. She reads so well.

These are some of the parts of the book that really touched my heart.

Dearest Daughter - 

we were wonder-struck when 

we first saw your face,

first held your tiny hands.

we did not know that moment

was only the beginning of wonders.

you have become more

than even we ever dreamed 

~

I keep all the photographs

of you - as if I could hold on

to all the different yous -

The baby, the toddler,

the teenager.

But they don't really matter,

not that much,

because you are all of them -

and every time 

I see you I think

"This is the best time"

~

I am so very ordinary.

How then did I produce 

a girl like you? 

So beautiful, so clever

and so kind.

I say that last one about Mini me all the time.

To hear my little one saying to me, the things my Mom wanted to say, made me miss Mom so much. I hope she was looking down on us and smiling. 

Mini me is so much like my Mom. She has her eyes and a lot of her other mannerisms.  Like talking with her hands, Mom used to have a "bum wiggle" when she walks and Mini me does the same. Mini me also get her intelligence from Mom and also from Hubby.  

Let me tell you all the story of Mini me's eye colour. She had blue eyes up until the night we lost Mom. The next morning Mini me woke up with green/ brown eyes, the exact same colour as mom's. we could not believe it, we looked on loads of photos with Mom in to check that the colour was right and it was a perfect match. My baby was given such a beautiful gift from my Mom. I have to say it's hard telling Mini me off sometimes as my Mom is looking back at me.

Time to say good night sweet dreams to you all.

May angels watch over you always. 

Happy new year.

Hello you wonderful people. 

Happy new year to you all. I hope that 2015 will be an amazing year filled with love, laughter and lots of adventures, 

2014 was not one of the best years for us, we seemed to spend all year fighting off one illness after another, if it wasn't a tummy bug it was a cold and if it wasn't a cold it was something else, I just felt so sorry for my two kids but 2015 will be a better year. 

This is brilliant and so true, I am going to make this year amazing for me and my family.

OK I wrote all of the above on new years day, then I got a bit of a brain block and started to panic about writing the blog. I have a beautiful new laptop that I love and have been saying to the hubby "when I get a new laptop I can write loads of blogs" then as I said I panicked and thought "what will I write, will anyone give a monkeys what I write" then I gave myself a talking to. This blog is for me to document my thoughts and things that happen in my life so if other people don't like it or don't want to read it, that is OK with me.

New years resolutions....do you make them? And more to the point, do you stick to them? last year mine was all about de clutter the house. me and hubby have been together for 17 years in March and we have managed to accumulate A LOT of stuff. so it was time to get it sorted. we took so much stuff to the charity shop that I think I am on first name terms with most the staff there. but the house and attic are starting to look so much better and I don't feel the weight for the junk on me any more, we still have a way to go but I am so happy and proud for how far we have come. This years resolution is to sort out and print out all the photos we have, I love looking at and reminiscing about photos. I used to do this all the time with mom and I want my kids to be able to do that with me. so I need to print them out, we tend to use photobox for this and then I need to find some albums to put them in to make them look pretty. I am so looking forward to getting started with this. 

May angels watch over you always. X 

Merry Christmas one and all.

Well hello again you wonderful people. 

May I start by wishing you all a very Merry Christmas. I hope that it has been full of love and laughter. I know that Christmas can be a very painful time for people and until last year i hated it, with a capital H, I don't know what changed me, maybe it was having two kids, maybe i just got to the point where hating it was more a habit rather than what i really felt, so i gave myself a talking to and gave my head a good wobble and started to see the fun in Christmas and started to let myself enjoy it and now i quite like this time of year. 

I should be able to do more blog posts this year as i must have been a very very good girl this year as Santa has given me a brand new Laptop. I do feel very blessed, my old laptop went to laptop heaven a while a go and i did use a tablet for a while but i cant type on them for love nor money, so getting this new laptop is a dream come true for me, Thank you Santa Aka Rob. 

Ok Question.....Mini me and wrecking ball still believe in Santa. I love the fact that it really does put the magic in to Christmas for them but i hate to lie to them, we have always been very honest with our two. don't get me wrong i am not going to tell them that the fat man is not real as that would just be mean, but i do try not to go on about it all the time and i have tried so hard not to say "if you are a naughty girl/boy Santa wont bring you and presents" so my question to you all is this. When is the right time for a child to stop believing in Santa and how do i respond to my two when they say we lied to them and they know that you should always tell the truth, 

Love and Light. 

May Angels Watch Over You Always.